# 96 - Scott Stapp

NAME: Scott Stapp



























NICKNAME: Douchebag

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS: In 1995, Scott Stapp formed a rock band called Creed with Mark Tremonti, Brian Marshall, and Scott Phillips. The band became extremely popular during the late 90's and early 2000's, going on to sell three multi-platinum albums and raiding the air waves and music television stations with such provocative lyrics as "Can you take me hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr To a place where blind men seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Can you take me hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
To a place with golden streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeets"


In 2004, Creed broke up and Stapp started on his solo project, The Great Divide, which was released in 2005. This period of time was extra hard on Stapp. He would not discuss Creed, or the relationships with his band, or the meaning behind the lyrics to his songs. Instead, he would constantly remind us that he was Christian. Obviously, his faith was incredibly important for him, and a source of inspiration for his solo work.

His Good Christian Values are most evident in many of the extracurricular activities he participated in, which can be seen below:

• July 2002 - Florida police detained Stapp and charged him with reckless driving after his SUV ran off the road before swerving back into the proper lane. He was released from custody after posting $500. Below is mugshot # 1.

• 2003 - Stapp tries to commit suicide in 2003 after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. He retrieved 2 MP5's from his gun collection, put them to his head, but failed to pull the trigger after looking at a picture of his son, Jagger. He told Rolling Stone that he was convinced that anyone involved with Creed wanted him dead so he would become a "Kurt Cobain martyr-type" and increase record sales. "I had crazy thoughts going through my head," he says. But make no mistake, Scott Stapp is not crazy, nor narcissistic - he's just that important to music and the world.

• Thanksgiving 2005 - Stapp was involved in a brawl with SA Martinez, Chad Sexton, and P-Nut of 311 in the hotel lobby of Baltimore's Harbor Court Hotel. Stapp made inappropriate remarks to Martinez's wife, which caused Sexton to ask him not to disrespect the lady's presence. Stapp then asked Sexton to have a shot with him at the bar. Before the shots were even served, Stapp sucker-punched Sexton. That punch grazed Martinez's wife, which got him involved with the fight. They held Stapp down until security arrived. No charges were filed.^{[8 (Wikipedia)}
  

• February, 2006 - A 45 minute sex tape is released starring Scott Stapp and Kid Rock. In a 40 second preview, which was released by Red Light District Video, Stapp and Rock are seen tag teaming a bunch of girl groupies, supposedly back as early as 1999. Here is the full story http://new.music.yahoo.com/scott-stapp/news/scott-stapp-kid-rocks-too-candid-camera--29859482
  

• May 20th, 2007 - Stapp arrested for throwing a bottle of Orangina orange drink at his wife, after returning home incredibly intoxicated. The bottle missed her head and broke on the floor. He was charged with aggravated assault with intent to commit a felony. In December the charge was dropped, after Stapp agreed to go to anger management. Here is another mugshot.

I'm sure most of these incidents were misunderstandings. I'm also guessing that Stapp has since "found" Jesus Christ again, and this time he swears he won't screw up anymore.


WHAT'S HE DOING NOW: Luckily for all of us, Creed has reunited. Stapp and the boys are working on another brilliant album, which will be released on October 27th, 2009.


POSITION ON YOUR TEAM: Assistant Coach - Always there for your players "with arms wide open". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HdGUNm6-qI

# 97 - The Burger King

NAME: The Burger King

NICKNAME: The King

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS: The first animated burger king mascot was introduced in the 1960's. It looked harmless; cordial even...

But in 2003, the Miami-based Crispin Porter & Bogusky advertising firm decided to revamp the mascot and make it into something completely different.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Burger_King#Return_of_the_King

The blueprint behind the Burger King took a lot of hard work and creativity. The final draft, shown below, was truly a collaborative effort.

Zaphod Beeblebrox +

Michael Meyers +

Crown

=

At first, CP&B settled for advertisements that merely gave people the creeps.

But soon even the advertisers couldn't help but admit that they had created a terrifying monster that dwarfed all other fast food mascots in its path. The "late night" commercials on the official Burger King website illustrate the true horrific nature of the Burger King http://www.bk.com/en/us/company-info/press/tv-and-video.html
WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THESE COMMERCIALS IN THE DARK BY YOURSELF

The reemergence of The Burger King, and his reigning title as "creepiest fast food mascot ever", has struck a fear into the hearts of fast food competitors. Sources say that McDonalds corporate executives are in the process of changing the look of their iconic Ronald McDonald clown from this...

to this...

For now though, The Burger King is still the leader of all horror fast food mascots. And his creepiness gives me no choice but to put him on your team.


WHAT'S HE DOING NOW: Hiding in your closet, clutching a breakfast croissant sandwich in his gloved hands, and waiting to scare you.

POSITION ON YOUR TEAM: Defensive Cornerback
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGriO85UGLg&feature=related

# 98 - Paige Matthews

NAME: Paige Matthews


(This is an accurate simulation of what
Paige looked like at the Walmart in Georgia)
























NICKNAME: "The Walmart Kid" or "Pwned McGee"


CAREER HIGHLIGHTS: Paige Matthews has only been alive for 2 years, but she's already a celebrity. At a Walmart in Stone Mountain, Georgia, she decided to start crying, causing a small tantrum of sorts. The disruption led a fellow Walmart shopper, 61 year old Roger Stephens, to go over to the child's mom, Sonya, and politely state "If you don't shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you." Neither Sonya nor Paige agreed to obey the gentle command set forth by Roger. In fact, Paige purposely continued to cry, probably even louder, giving Stephens no other option but to pick up Paige and slap her 4 times across the face.



Startled and humbled by Stephens' power and determination to shop in peace, Paige succumbed to Roger's demand and fell silent. She knew she was defeated. Roger triumphantly exclaimed, "See, I told you I would shut her up."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/02/georgia.tot.slapped/index.html

Stephens has since been detained and is being charged with felony cruelty to children. He faces up to 25 years in prison. Sonya has said that she forgives Stephens, and thinks he slapped Paige because he is "mentally unstable". But obviously, this was part of a larger conspiracy devised by Paige and Sonya to stage a tantrum, entice a shopper into slapping Paige, and then reap the celebrity benefits that come along with such a story.



Of course, the police report, displayed by The Smoking Gun, tells a different story

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0902091slap2.html



I personally find it very hard to belive this man...



















would simply be angry enough to slap someone for no reason. Furthermore, one could make the argument that Stephens used great restraint in just slapping the child, as opposed to his usual crush super punch response when young children and teenagers annoy him http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuLGMaPXgZk


If there's a moral to the story, it's this: As much as little crying kids deserved to get slapped by complete strangers in public, it is against the law, so you should refrain from doing it. Instead, you should save your anger for older people who cry and throw tantrums...




















Nobody would care if you slapped this asshole.



WHAT'S SHE UP TO NOW: Crying in a movie theatre.


WHAT'S HER POSITION ON YOUR TEAM: Team Mascot

# 99 - Shirley Phelps Roper

NAME: Shirley Phelps Roper

NICKNAME: Crazy Lady on Fox News

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS: Shirley Phelps Roper is an active member at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, where her father, Fred Phelps, preaches. Roper has been instrumental in organizing many anti-gay and soldier funeral pickets. At these pickets, Roper and her fellow Baptist members rally near where the funerals take place, holding up signs thanking God for killing the deceased.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Check out her philosophy on life in this video clip below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anwsku-9IiY&feature=related

In 2008, after the great 8.0 Sichuan earthquake killed over 68,000 in the province of China, the Westboro Baptist Church thanked God for causing the earthquake. The WBC issued a release praying "for many more earthquakes to kill many more thousands of impudent and ungrateful chinese communists". (Westboro Baptist Chuch - "Thank God for the Killer Earthquake")

Phelps' hatred is not directed to any one group in particular. Although members of the WBC actively show their hatred of gays and american soldiers through picketing, they also hate jews, italians (or "monster breeding perverts"), catholics, methodists, presbyterians, lutherans, episcopalians, baptists, islamists, hindus, black people, anyone in the marine corps, and the "can you hear me now" guy from the cell phone commercials.

To learn more information about Phelps and her religious views, visit the WBC's tasteful website at www.godhatesfags.com/ , or a sister site www.godhatesamerica.com/

WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW:

One of two things:

1) Organizing a hate rally in the name of our savior, Jesus Christ.

2) Auditioning for the role of the life coach high school teacher in the next Donnie Darko film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouFnQTq6gNQ&feature=related

WHAT'S HER POSITION ON YOUR TEAM: Cheerleader